Blue skies...sunshine...

...and 15 degrees below zero.

It's the longest cold snap in years for the municipality of Anchorage. We're going on two weeks of temperatures with a high of -2 and a low of -20 Fahrenheit. Blow your nose before you ride your bike to work, or your snot will freeze and you'll have to breathe through your mouth! Trust me on that one.

After a week-long hiatus of no phone or internet service (the company wanted me to give them money, those fiends!), I'm back and feeling more than a little behind in placing the written word on the electronic paper. And to go just a smidgen more abstract than that, here's my recently conceived abstract on communication, co-written by Baileys and Jameson & Co.:

"The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate."
-Joseph Priestley

Communication

Communication is the true connection between two people. It has its roots with the original two primates, 'Adam' and 'Eve', of course, who screeched and clawed at each other over apple and snake, herbivorous or carnivorous, and were so effective in communicating that both resigned to incorporate the other's belief system. Being that the snake was a Philippine Cobra, and its meat a natural aphrodisiac, the two primates copulated time and again, creating many more primates with whom they could then screech and claw at regarding the finer things in life. Only later did Eve realize copulation was the motivation behind Adam's carnivorous disposition (all those nights eating cobra alone by the fire must have driven him half-mad with desire!).

But let's not get sidetracked.

Pretty soon there were plenty of primates running around, eating fruit and meat and communicating on the most basic level, which is grunting. And anyone who doesn't want to acknowledge this connection to our past brothers and sisters, anyone who claims that we were created well past the point of monosyllabic expressionism, and that Charlie's uncle Roy is extra furry because not only does he masturbate uncontrollably, but the werewolf that bit him did also, let them look no further than the bathroom. No, we're not on masturbation still here; I'm talking about clean teeth. Clean teeth? If I've lost you at this point, reread the quote at the top of the page and have a giggle at my expense.

Cleaning teeth, the act of, more specifically.

Take a community of four human beings, four toothbrushes, one bathroom, and the desire to continue the act of teeth-cleaning for the duration of the bathroom community meeting, and have a look.

Here they are now:

Sophia is already in the bathroom, actually. She purchased the much sought-after toothpaste and is here to store it after applying a healthy dose to the head of her toothbrush. Now she is brushing her teeth.

Enter Brandon. He knows the new toothpaste is here and wants a clean mouth. Ahh, how refreshing!

Following on his heels are Charlie and Josie. Demand for toothpaste this morning was high in the community, and Sophia was chosen to gather the resource because she not only knew where to find it, but also had the necessary materials for trade, should she need to barter with another tribe.

See them brush their teeth in unison.

Pleased at the acquisition of this commodity, Brandon is nodding his head, smiling, and making sounds of approval:

"Mmmmmmm-Mmmmmmm!"

Charlie and Josie join in with smiles and similarly-pitched sounds.
This gesture is acknowledged by Sophia, and we can guess that she interprets it correctly because she smiles back, offers a 'thumbs up' signal, and sounds back:

"Mmmmmmm."

Now it would seem that Brandon needs to communicate an entirely new idea to Sophie. He has an inquisitive look on his face and he’s cocked his head to the left ever so slightly.

“Hmmm. Hmmm-hmmmm?”

This has attracted the attention of everyone in the group, but he is looking at Sophie specifically, and, with his right hand raised in a loose fist, he rotates his wrist back and forth.
Sophie has a look of confusion on her face. See how her lips are pursed outward, her eyebrows come inward, and her head cocks to the side, perhaps mimicking Brandon’s head placement. She includes a responding grunt:

“Hmmmmm?”

Brandon seeks to be understood. Now he moves his arms like he’s marching in place.
Now he’s rotating his wrist again.
He points at himself and grunts back:

“Mmmmmmmmm. Mmm! Mmm! Mmmmmmmm.”

Ah! Charlie recognizes these movements, a good sign, because Brandon is becoming frustrated. Charlie motions as if holding a large object in front of him, one hand in front of the other, and shaking as he makes the sound:

“M-m-m-m-m-m-m-mm! M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mm!”

Whatever was the gesture of Charlie’s, it is not correct. Brandon is shaking his head, clearly frustrated. Now Brandon is searching for something. The toothpaste! He’s holding the tube of toothpaste and he’s smearing bits of it on the bathroom mirror. He’s drawing a picture! It’s a car! He wants the car keys!

“Mmmm? Mmm-mmmm!”

Sophie is shaking her head. She does not want to give up possession of the car.
Now Brandon is shaking, waving, and hitting a Listerine bottle against the bathroom counter - an obvious sign of agitation, possibly aggression. He grunts forcefully:

“MMMM! MMMMM! MMMMM! MMMMM! MMMMM!”

Charlie attempts to pacify Brandon while Josie has left the bathroom. The battle for dominance in the bathroom between these two has been building up for weeks, initially spurred from the yogurt-stealing incident. Oh! Josie has re-entered the bathroom and she's brought a package of polska kielbasa. She's waving it to the other three and sounding off:

"Mmm-Mmmmm! Mmm-Mmmmm!"

The others are not paying attention. Clearly, Josie will need to create a larger distraction.
Brandon seems to be calming down now, as Sophia rubs the car keys against his face. Charlie is smelling various items he is picking up off the bathroom counter (ie: toothpaste, hand soap, mascara, q-tips, lip gloss).
Look, Josie has started a fire in the middle of the bathroom floor! She’s waving the kielbasa in the air and gesturing from the fire to the shower! And Charlie’s joined in! He’s dancing around the fire and he’s got the toilet plunger!
Now, Charlie with plunger and Josie with (newfound) toilet scrubber are sparring off around the fire for dominance of showering privileges!

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm….Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm…”

“Mmm-mmmm, Mmmmmm-mmmmmm….”

Brandon, with toothpaste-ridden hands desperately clutching the car keys against his breast, now looks into the bathtub. He’s staring…he won’t stop staring…he looks annoyed…he has taken his toothbrush out of his mouth…

“Derek, put down your notepad and get out of the tub.”

Damnit.

This is field reporter Derek, signing off.

And this reporter is signing off as well. The morning and I have a date in Anchorage.